A New Chuseok Blue

This year's Chuseok felt different, quite special for me, since it was my first time joining my family's gathering as a woman in her 30s.

Chuseok started with a short trip to Gangneung

small, cozy chat over drinks at a cafe full of families
259 Songjeong-dong, Gangneung-si, Gangwon-do, Korea

If you live in Korea or have Korean family, you might know how pressuring the atmosphere can be during Chuseok especially for the younger generation still finding their footing in society. The air is filled with questions, comparisons, and quiet expectations. Simply breathing in that pressure feels tough enough.

Let me tell you mine.

Marriage. It's always there. Unavoidable. I know, at its core, it comes from love. Parents always wish their children won't be aging alone, that they'll find someone to love and be loved by. But the way they bring it up often feels too rough, so sometimes I feel the pressure before feeling their love.

Income. They might know there's no perfect standard of success. But family still expects their children to have a higher, and more stable job, often comparing them to cousins.

Gender. I have cute younger brother always bringing up military service issue whenever we talk about inequality. He insists that there's no gender inequality in Korea. I am very sensitive when it comes to gender issue, and it drains me completely. I chose to stay quiet not to ruin the mood this Chuseok.

All these feelings mix together. Being with family is warm and comforting, yet the pressure is immense. Every time I face this kind of discomfort in family gathering, I feel there is no place to escape from this social pressure.

My parents fried Jeon(전) from dawn and packed them for me.

I said it’s hard to cook with a stainless pan, and my dad taught me how to use it.

After all the family trip and gathering, I returned home. And made this dish with the squid my dad caught, prepped, and packed for me.

But calling this feeling a "struggle" makes me feel guilty, because it all comes from love, not harm. As I sit in this swirl of gratitude, love, guilt, and a desire to escape, every year I remind myself the same thing: Be warmer, Be kinder. (to be the person who can give what I'm looking for)